the autumn gives leaves

11/30

Sometimes, life sucks. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that, no, my life isn’t terrible, but this stress is just snowballing right before my eyes. It certainly hasn’t hit me yet, but I can almost foresee it all crumbling in front of me very very soon. Hopefully, this tumblog will save me; hopefully, just taking a few minutes to just word vomit will combat my innate ability to allow everything to build up. 

Stressed. Check.

Nervous. Check.

Sick/all I want to do all day, everyday is sleep. Check.

Loved. Check. And, really, that’s all that matters. 

“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things: air, sleep, dreams, the sky – all things tending toward the eternal or what we imagine of it.”

-Cesare Pavese in The Comfort of Strangers

11/7

I’ve never written a love letter before, but I’ve always wanted to. I don’t know how or why we met; I’ll never understand the forces that have and will continue to keep us together, but I do know that never before in my life have I been this happy. Never have I cared about someone as much as I do about you, and never have I ever felt so loved in return.

I’ve known you for what? … two and a half months at the most? You know everything about me - it usually takes people years to get to that level. I trust you knowing everything, very scary when you think about it. But you never judge me and only treat me with the utmost respect and empathy. When I think about those late night, drunken, passion-filled conversations on the steps of Unit G, I can only remember how scared I was of losing something so good so quickly. I remember how shocked I was that (as stubborn as we both are) you never left me there alone. You never let me cry alone and you never even lose eye contact with you. I remember how scary it was to fall in love. But as frightening as it was, you were always there. Perhaps one the hardest things I’ve experienced in my shitty life is never feeling worthy of someone’s love. You have completely changed that for me.

You were there and a part of arguably the scariest moment of my life. I remember speaking to the counselor at the Counseling Center on campus - how the entirety of the situation completely rocked my morals - how (while I knew the choice I was going to make) I felt a strong sense of guilt, and not the relief I was initially expecting. But I remember telling her that I knew eventually I would find the peace; I knew that the experience would only make me a stronger person. But what I remember most is telling her how nervous I was about losing you - how upset I was knowing you were upset with yourself. You were my main concern and watching you lose faith in yourself was devastating. That was when I knew I was unconditionally in love with you; you had become everything. 

This is part love letter, part thank you letter. I wanted to send it, but I didn’t want to scare you away, didn’t want you to think I’m expecting anything in return. You hate blogs, so maybe you’ll never see this. Maybe you will. But hopefully you know that I am grateful for everything you’ve done for me thus far and I am excited for every moment that follows this one. 

“We pass through the present with our eyes blindfolded. We are permitted merely to sense and guess at what we are actually experiencing. Only later when the cloth is untied can we glance at the past and find out what we have experienced and what meaning it has.”  - Milan Kundera

“Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won’t know for twenty years. And you’ll never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it’s what you create. Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to, but doesn’t really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved. And the truth is I’m so angry and the truth is I’m so fucking sad, and the truth is I’ve been so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long have been pretending I’m OK, just to get along, just for, I don’t know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own, and their own is too overwhelming to allow them to listen to or care about mine. Well, fuck everybody. Amen.” - Synecdoche, New York

9/23

I believe that my life’s going to see

the love I give

return to me. 

i need to figure out why 9AM feels like 6AM every monday, wednesday, friday. why i don’t already live in california. why it’s ridiculously hot and also why i have to walk across campus to pretty much get anywhere. why katy perry’s new cd is THE BEST, hit after hit. how to manage my time a teensy bit better (just a little bit, i swear). the rest of my RELG 150 reading that’s due at 3:30. my room looks like earl has already visited. if i should go to club tennis tonight (at this moment, not really feeling it). and i probably need to figure out how to ride a bike on this damn campus. woooo, freshman year. 

today…

i’ve:

1. went to bed, bath, AND BEYONNDDDDD to get iced teas for the keurig, some closet thing that i will shove my sweatshirts into this fall. and by this fall, i mean in 2 days. 

2. taken a really long nap. despite the fact that i slept until 10ishAM. 

that’s about it so far. still need to clean my car and pack half of my room. no big deal.

family

sooooo it’s been awhile. home from denver, CO and perhaps the best week of my life (definitely up there with south africa). ISLC 2010 has come and gone, along with my one year stint on ELC. it’s a lot to think about and take in… to watch something i worked so hard for, worked so hard to remain on, something i loved, float out of my car window on my way to williamsburg as i start my freshman year of college. 

pretty much what i’m trying is, i owe more than i can even begin to comprehend to my ELC. i don’t think they can even understand how much of an effect they had on my life, how convenient and kind life can be - to drop them into my life when i needed them the most. 

high school for me was hell. by my senior year, i couldn’t bear going to school some days and face the people who i shared classes with, lunch tables with, etc. but always just a text, facebook message away - they were there. they listened to me bitch about my life, and always had advice or at least a caring, welcoming tone to change my entire day around. 

another aspect of my life that i’m unsure the ELC knows - they, along with the entire organization of Operation Smile, gave me my self-confidence. before ELC/ISLC/OpSmile in general, i was shy, embarrassed, uncomfortable, etc. in most situations. it wasn’t until i met these people that i felt able to be myself, and that’s something that i will always be grateful for. 

i can’t believe it’s over, but it was mind-blowing. and i’m so blessed that i was a part of it. 

“once family, always family.”